It was mid July in 2008 when Benji and I discovered that the Lord had blessed us once again with another baby. We were thrilled and immeaditely began to dream about all this little one was to become. The first trimester was typical with headaches, food aversions, and afternoon naps.

We anxiously awaited the 20 week ultrasound where we would learn if Caroline was going to have a little brother or a little sister. The day had finally arrived. As I sat in the chair we watched this little baby flip and tumble across the screen. We learned that this little baby was a little girl and our hearts were delighted. Then, we awaited anxiously for our docotor to tell us more as he silently oberved every little detail of our baby. Then he said the words that we will never forget, "We've got some major problems." I remember locking tear filled eyes with Benji and then we quickly grabbed hands to brace ourselves for what the Doctor was about to tell us.

The Doctor slowly began to walk us through all her abnormalities; her brain disorder, her large cleft in her upper lip, her lack of nose, her heart defects, and her rocker bottomed feet. Then we heard the worst news.....she would not survive.

Complete despair is not adequate enough to describe what we were feeling. We just couldn't wrap our minds around it. That bouncing, flipping baby girl that we had just watched on the screen was plagued with something so terrible that it would eventually take her life.

The next four months were the longest four months of our life. Days passed as years and our hearts grew heavier and heavier as we crept closer to the end. The Lord was gracious to let me frequently feel her little kicks to assure me that she was still alive for that day. Listening to her heart beat before bed at night was the sweetest music to our ears.

Then the day came. I began to show signs of mild pre-eclampsia which began to worsen over a day or two. With my health being at stake we were faced with the decision to induce labor a full month and half before Gracie's original due date. We were terrified. My docotor had just told me days before that Gracie probably would not survive labor because she was beginning to show signs of weakening. So as I laid in the hospital bed, I didn't know what was to come. Would we get to meet out little girl only to watch her struggle to live for mere minutes, hours, days? Or would the Lord take her before then. The moment Gracie was born the room went silent. We all held our breath in hopes to hear her's but there was nothing. No crying, just silence.

The hours after Gracie's birth and death were filled with a joy we cannot explain. Obviously we were completely broken over the loss of Gracie but somehow God allowed us to find joy in those hours with her. We marveled at her long fingers, her black hair that filled her head, and her sweet little feet. We cherished every second we had with her.

Even though Gracie's life was short, it had a purpose. The Lord did so many amazing things in Benji and me. He showed us more into the depths of who he is. He taught us to walk by faith. He taught us that nothing is truely ours. He gave us mercies for each moment and continues to do so. He used her little life to teach us so many things. So even though we prayed for a miracle, for Gracie to be completely healed and that didn't happen. We still got our miracle.

Gracie was our miracle.

(Below are blog entries that mark our journey with Gracie.)

October 28, 2008

Dear Friends, As you all know, I am about 4 months into my pregnancy. Yesterday we had an ultrasound to make sure that our little one was growing and to find out the sex of the baby. We'll we found out that the baby is a precious girl but infortunaltely she is not growing well. Upon close examination of the ultrsound, the doctor concluded that she is suffering from two different things, a brain disorder and a chromosonal defect. The brain disorder is called halloprosencephaly. Essentially her brain did not divided into two parts. Because the brain formation has a lot to do with the physical formation of that face, they could tell that she had a severe cleft palate and they could not locate a nose. They could also tell that one of her foot is clubbed. They also recognized that she had some major heart defects that lead them to believe that she either has Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. Because she has both the brain disorder and the chromosonal defect the doctor said that her prognosis is fatal. The are only two scenarios according to the doctors . She will die at some point in utero or I could possibly carry her to term and she would probably die shortly after birth.Our hearts are so heavy with grief and pain. We are at a loss to put to words all that we are feeling. We wanted you to know this so you could be praying for us. First of all we know that our God is powerful and if it's his will then He could completely heal our little girl, so we pray for a miracle. We need God's grace to make it through each day, we need God's love to comfort us in ways that only His love can, and we need the peace of God to transcend our hearts because we are fearful of the unknown. God is good. We know that before the foundations of the world were laid that He had her days numbered. We rest in the fact that He is in control. But even as we do so, our pain is still so very real. Sincerely, Benji and Rebekah Baker

November 2, 2008

We are reminded of David's grief as he faced the uncertanity of his son's life. He fasted, he wept, and he prayed but once the Lord made his will known through the death of his son, David got up, ate, and worshipped the Lord. David was questioned as to why when his child was alive did he weep and mourn and now that his child was dead he seemed to have moved on. David's reponse was, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live."
We too feel the same way. We will pray for a miracle and we will wait in expectation. Until the Lord reveals His will we will have hope and whenever He has spoken we will rise and praise Him no matter what the outcome may be.
Benji and I have been thinking this week about a name for our little one. We felt that the one thing we need is the one thing God will give us to get through this time. So without further delay.....meet baby Gracie......

November 11, 2008

We had another doctor's appointment on Monday. Our visit was more of a follow up from our first visit. Our doctor, who is amazing, did another ultra sound and walked us through everything that is going on. Nothing looked worse but nothing looked better. He showed us her brain and how it failed to split. He also said that her brain development is complete so there is no way that her brain could separate later on. He spent a little more time looking at her heart He said there were some issues with her aorta and it looked like there was a small hole in her heart which concerened him. He couldn't guarantee us that she would die but he also couldn't guarantee us that she would live. He did say that 60-80% of these type of cases end in death before the baby reaches it's due date.After much discussion and prayer, Benji and I decided to forgo the amniocentesis. The amnio would tell us 100% if she had Trisomy 13 or 18. We just felt that Gracie's state is already so fragile that we don't want to do anything to jeopordize her life. Since there is no treatment for Trisomy we just decided that we would have her tested once she is born. It was almost surreal to be sitting there with our doctor talking about the fatality of it all and then to see her on the screen moving her hands and using her little fingers to scratch her face. At this moment she is full of life and that is what we have to cling to. For the past two weeks we have been daily asking the Lord to help me feel Gracie's movements and God has answered our prayers. Since our very first prayer, I have felt Gracie kick on a daily basis. It is mainly at night once I settle into bed. I think she's a night owl! We are so thankful that God has anwered this specific prayer for us.As silly as this seems I think that I was overwhelmed last night with the reality of the situation. For the past two weeks I've been trying to process medically everything is going on with Gracie. I been wondering how all this will play out and how much waiting we will have ahead of us. But last night as I rocked Caroline to sleep singing 'Jesus Loves Me' it hit me, I will never get to do that with Gracie. We are losing a daughter that we will never know. We will never get to see her gummy grin, or watch her learn how to crawl, or even give her a bath. When we leave that hospital it will just be me and Benji. The thought of all this is overwhemling and feels unbearable. I find myself asking God if I am strong enough to face these things. I certantly don't feel that I am. Even as I sit here, I cannot find the words to describe how helpless I feel. The pain has only just begun and I know it will get worse. Our only hope is that God will hear the cries of His people and save our little Gracie. We continue to pray for a miracle because that is our only hope. God is our only hope.

December 2, 2008

I have to post this to show how good and faithful our God is.Over the past couple of days I have not felt Gracie move. There were a few times where I thought I might have felt her but the movement felt different from what I usually feel when she kicks me. Fear was starting to set in when I started thinking about the lack of movement and what that would mean. So, Benji and I were praying last night and were asking(begging) the Lord to give us some sign that Gracie was okay. Not even 5 seconds later she started kicking me. It was no coincidence that she kicked me so soon after praying. I am so thankful that the Lord listened to our prayer and chose to act.....especially so rapidly. It was just a reminder that we serve a God who walks with us through the hard times and is gracious enough to listen to our prayers and meet our needs.

December 8, 2008

Today we had another appointment to check on Gracie. We actually got to see Dr. Rinehart so we were really excited about that. He took a good look at Gracie to see how she was doing. He said that the holoprosencepahly is still present and he still suspects a hole in the upper part of her heart. He also said that it looks like she might have only one valve going into the top of the heart when usually your suppose to have two. Her cleft is still pretty significant. But, we saw a nose. That's right a tiny little nose was visible on her profile. It delighted my heart to see it! Then he started measuring her belly, head, and femur bones. That's when we got the bad news. He believes that Gracie has stopped growing. He can't say he's 100% sure but at our last visit(4 weeks ago) she was 2 weeks behind developmentally. Today she was 4 weeks behind developmentally. He said that usually when a baby stops growing that the end is typically near. Obviously, we are still in a waiting game but he said that a lack of growth significantly increases the risk of an early death. He wanted to see me back in two weeks but we will be in TN for Christmas. He told us to go ahead and go....that even if we stayed it wouldn't make any difference for Gracie. We just need to be ready at any moment to come back to Dallas if I should stop feeling movements. For some reason, I feel that he thinks that Gracie will not survive too much longer. Of course this is not what we were wanting to hear. Obviously we wanted to hear that things were looking better or that she was about the same. We have been praying for the Lord to give us some kind of sign as to how he might work in this situation. When I saw Gracie's little nose I thought , "Okay, maybe this is our sign." I didn't know noses could form this late in the pregnancy. But, then we learned about her not growing and I felt that God was telling me something completely different than before. I don't want to lose hope but right now I feel so defeated. I know that God could still work a miracle in little Gracie but how do I know that what we learned today isn't God preparing us for what's to come. I guess it all boils down to my trust in the Lord. I always knew that this was a possiblity but now that it's here I am scared. Scared of what the next couple of weeks could hold. Scared of decisions that we will have to make that no parent should ever have to think about.Here are a few ways that you can specifically pray for us:1. A miracle for Gracie2. That Gracie will start growing3. That God will prepre us for what's to come4. That I will continue to feel her kick each dayThanks again for your prayers.

December 15, 2008

This past week and weekend have been crazy. I had two doctor's appointments last week. One was the ultrasound that I updated you on and the other was with my OB. We got to hear Gracie's heart beat. It was a strong 145-150. She measured me and I am measuring 21 weeks when I am actually 25, so that lines up with what we learned at our ultrasound on Monday. I was encouraged to talk with my doctor about Gracie's lack of growth. She said that Gracie has still grown it has just slowed down. She said that is not completely unusual for babies with Trisomy13/18. She did agree with my other doctor that we are still in a waiting game. Something could happen tomorrow or I could still go all the way to term. So, that was encouraging to hear that the situation is not as 'urgent' as I thought.On Friday, I met with another mother who lost her little girl, Bella, last December to Trisomy. Our time together was much needed. Christy was such an encouragement to me. Even though Bella's story ended with her death, I was given so much hope when I saw how the Lord has been working in the lives of Christy and her family. How He has comforted them, protected them, loved them, and grown them. I am so thankful that the Lord has crossed our paths. Christy is also a professional photographer and she offered to do maternity shots for us. So, on Saturday morning we went and had some professional maternity shots done. They turned out beautifully. It is such a sweet way to capture our family at this moment. They will be pictures that we will cherish forever.

January 5, 2009

Today we had another ultrasound for Gracie. Benji and I were fearful going in because at our last visit Gracie was not growing and the doctor was really concerned with some defects he found with her heart. So, we walked into today's appointment not really knowing what to expect. At our last ultrasound (which was right before Christmas) Gracie was only weighing 15 oz. Today she was a whopping 1 lb. 15oz. She GAINED a whole pound. We were thrilled to see that she had gained weight and that was a huge answer to prayer. He also spent a lot of time looking at her heart again. After close observation he does not think that Gracie has a valve defect. At our last visit he thought she was missing a valve in the upper region of her heart. But, today he believes that she only has a small hole in her heart which he said is one of the minor heart defects that she could have. This was also a huge answer to prayer. Benji and I walked away from the appointment really encouraged. Of course the doctor's prognosis for Gracie is still fatal but we'll take whatever progress we can get. We have been specifically praying for these two things so we have to acknowledge the Lords hand in all of this. There are no coincidences. We are still praying for a complete healing for Gracie and ask that you continue to do the same. Our God is perfectly capable and definitely powerful enough to do so.

Januray 17, 2009

We were thankful that we felt Gracie moving all through Christmas break. Our prayer was that we would feel her move daily so we could have peace of mind (especially being so far away from our doctors). It seems that gracie had a good Christmas as well as you can read about in the post below.
We have setteled back and all are doing well. We did go to the doctor this past Monday to check on Gracie. It wasn't a scheduled visit but I went in because I hadn't felt Gracie move in over 2 days. We were starting to get concerned, but the doctor was able to find a heartbeat of a strong 150. She then sent me over to Dr. Rhinehart to do an ultrasound to make sure that Gracie wasn't in distress. (I guess she could still have a heartbeat but be showing signs of struggle) Dr. Rhinehart took a look and said tht she looked great. It was good news to our ears. He said that it was probably just the position she was in that could be the reason I wasn't feeling her. I have started to feel her more lately. Please pray that she will continue to move around and thrive.

Januray 20, 2009

On Monday Benji and I had the opportunity to sit and talk with the director of the NICU at the hospital that we'll be delivering at. I was nervous going into the appointment. I didn't know what to expect. I was praying that our doctor would be very knowledgable but also very personal and compassionate. (Sometimes in the medical field you have to settle for one or the other) However, Dr. Nystrum was both. Not only was he very familiar with Trisomy cases and with Gracie's brain disorder, but he was so kind and gentle with his words.There was so much that was said so I will try to sum it up as best as possible. Since we have not done an amnio to confirm a chromosomal defect(Trisomy) there is a possibility that Gracie could be suffering from that or from just the brain disorder. However, because of the severity of the brain disorder both are extremly fatal. So no matter what is plauging our little one, her outcome is still the same. Dr. Nystrum seemed to think that since Gracie had made it this far he seemed confident that she would probably survive until the due date and that she would probably survive the birth. We were encouraged to here this. We, of course know that there is always the possiblity of something happening before then, but just knowing that we might get to meet her and spend what little time we might have with her is comforting to us. He also walked us through some of the complications that Gracie would face if she entered this world alive. He told us of different secenarios that would possibly take place that would lead to her death. That probably sounds disturbing to most of you, but as her mother I want to know what will happen to her and what she will feel or (hopefully not feel). He also let us know that we are totally in charge of all the decisions once she is born. This brings all sorts of decisions for Benji and me to make about the care she receives. These are hard decisions to face so we ask that you pray for us as we prayerfully seek God's wisdom in that area.I wouldn't say that my hope is crushed but I would say that I am truely facing the reality that Gracie will die. We are still praying for God to heal her and we still acknowledge that He can but I am just starting to feel that that may not be what God has in store for Gracie.The past week has been really hard for me as I have come to face the reality of the situation. I've always known that Gracie dying is a possibility but as my due date creeps closer it seems even more real. I remember adding something to my calendar for the month of April and it hit me. On that day, in April, something will have happened by then. Our lives will have forever been change. Will I even be able to function at that point?As fear settles in I have to keep reminding myself that the Lords is near. Yes I am terrified of what's to come. Terrified of labor, terrified that Gracie might not make it through labor alive, terrified that we'll have such a short time with her, terrified of slowly watching her slip away, and most of all, terrified of saying goodbye. A sweet friend who lost her little girl a year ago to Trisomy reminded me that all I have to get through is today. That when those terrifying moments come, God's mercies for those moments will be there. So I try not to let my mind wander, but it's hard. So, with a heavy hearts, we press on. We'll continue this journey for the next couple of months. And when we are at the end of the road, we'll turn the corner and continue on our next journey. One marred by sadness. One of complete brokenness, but also one of healing. "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,For his compassions never fail.They are new every morning;Great is your faithfulness. "Lamentations 3:21-23

January 29, 2009

We had another ultrasound on Tuesday for Gracie. She again had gained another pound so she is now 2lbs. 14oz. Her growth is good but is still lacking. If you were to put her in a percentile for her weight she would be in the 11% percentile. The doc said that everything else with Gracie (physically) looked good......except....he could tell that she is having a hard time pushing the blood back out of the umbilical cord so the blood flow is beginning to slow down. He also said that the amnitoic fluid is low. Usually they like to see the fluid anywhere from 5-25 cm with a 15 being the average. My amnitoic fluid is at 2.7cm. Because of the low fluid level, the likelyhood of her rolling over on her cord, cutting off the blood supply, and ultimately dying are a lot higher. Because of the lack of fluid, there would be nothing there to help her roll back off the cord like a 'normal' baby would. So, now we start going for ultrasounds weekly so we can monitor her a little more closely. The doc said that if I didn't feel movements for even a day that I needed to come in. A sweet friend has lent me a heart monitor so now Benji and I can check for her heartbeat each night. We used it last night for the first time and it was precious. It was a strong 147. We are so blessed to have it....not just to make sure she's still alive, but to also savor the sweet precious sound!

February 4, 2009

Today I went in for a routine OB visit fully expecting to listen to Gracie's heartbeat and then take sweet Caroline to the park to play with her friends. However, because of some really high blood pressure, I was admitted to triage where they monitored me and did some blood work. Then I was sent over to have an ultrasound. Then I was sent back to triage for more monitoring. Turns out that I have mild pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure went down once I laid on my side so that is why they have put me on bed rest. I go back on Friday morning for more testing so I guess we'll just go from there. My doctors have said that if my blood pressure continues to get higher they will have to induce me or do an emergnecy Csection(depending on how urget it is) because once your blood pressure gets to high then I am at risk of injury.The sonogram for Gracie went okay. Her heartbeat was strong but he did say that her heart looked a little dialated and that he could see a little fluid buidling up on her heart. He said that is a slight indication that something could be going wrong. The amniotic fluid that was 2.7 last Tuesday in now down to 1.6. That, obviously isn't a very good sign. Benji and I really feel that our time with Gracie will probably be limited to a couple of more weeks unless they have to induce me for blood pressure reasons. We just don't know how much longer she can survive in such little fluid. We are somewhat discouraged because we want so much for her to be born alive so we can have just those few moments with her. But, we walk by faith knowing that God's timing is perfect and He will take her when it's just the right time. Only God knows what we can handle and maybe Gracie being born alive isn't something we can handle. Watching her slowly die might just be an unberable burden so we trust and know that the Lord will do what He knows is best. Fear set in today as I considered that I might not get to leave the hospital and that they could possibly induce me. I just kept telling myself that I wasn't ready, but will I ever be ready? The answer is no......Please pray for us. We are definitely reaching the end and it's terrifying. However, we know we are not alone. We know, confidently, that God has walked us through this so far and we know that He will continue to walk with us and even before us. I am so thankful that we have a God that loves us so much.

February 5, 2009

Dear Friends,After being on bed rest the entire day, Rebekah started to develop a headache so her doctor had her go to the hospital. Her blood pressure was still high and the headache was a sign that the pre-eclampsia was getting worse. Dr. Smith decided that she needed to be induced since Rebekah’s health is at risk. Unless things change, the induction process will start at 9:00am on Friday and they expect Gracie to be born sometime that afternoon.At this point we know Gracie is ok, but the doctor commented yesterday that he did not know if she would survive birth. We will try to keep you posted by email or blog. (http://www.thebenjamites.blogspot.com/).

Please be praying for us.- Rebekah’s safety- Gracie’s safety- That Caroline won’t be afraid and will adjust well to family watching her.- Peace through labor.- Overwhelming feeling of joy when we get to meet Gracie.- His Mercies for what ever might come.- The list could on and on, so please pray as you are led ….

February 6, 2009

God has been so gracious to let us experience an unbelievable joy in the midst of so much pain. Meeting little Gracie was one of the most precious moments of our life. I'll never forget the moment they placed her in my arms after she was born. I just remember thinking that she was absolutely beautiful. No she didn't look like a 'normal' baby but she is ours and she was perfect just the way she was. She had the longest little fingers and the biggest 'little' feet.Shortly after her birth Benji and I were able to spend some time with her by ourselves without all the doctors. We just stared and marveled at how precious she was. We prayed over her and then introduced her to her big sister. Our family was there to hold and love Gracie as well. Then I got do something that I thought I would never get to do. I got to bathe my sweet little daughter. Benji and I took turns through out the night holding her and tracing the outline of her face, and fingers, and toes trying to memorize every part of her. The hours seemed to pass too quickly and early this moring we parted with our beloved. As I sit here typing my arms feel so empty. They long to hold her and comfort her. I long to give her one more kiss. But, a day will come when I get to do such things and nothing as temporary as time will be able to part us.

Gracie Butler Baker
February 6, 20092 lbs. 8 oz.

February 8, 2009

We would like to invite any friends and family that have joined us on this journey to join us again as we give thanks for Gracie's life, worship the God who created her, and rejoice in the promise of the gospel which is an eternity spent with God.
The funeral will be:
Thursday, February 12 at 3:30 p.m.
Antioch Baptist Church
425 Antioch Rd
Humboldt, TN 38343
A reception will be held at the church after the funeral and burial
Flowers can be sent to Arrington Funeral Home in Jackson, TN
or
Donations can be made in lew of flowers to
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
This organization offers professional photography to families who have lost a child during birth or shortly after. Their services are free to the families. You can find more information at
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/